I Probably Won’t Kill Myself Today

Let me start off this post by saying I have a support team that is aware of everything I am writing today. They all know about these thoughts and have made many action plans to assist me in whatever condition I might be in. I just thought it was important to share this with the world so I maybe could help someone else who doesn’t have such an amazing support system.

There is hardly a day that goes by where I don’t think about killing myself. I live in a world that was not made for me. I am surrounded by humans who don’t act or think the same way as me. I have so much stress and anxiety about every little thing, that I often think it would all just be better if I could fall asleep and not wake up. Here’s the thing; I have no intention of acting out these suicidal thoughts, which is often known as passive suicidal ideation.

Being autistic is so extremely difficult. Right now, I am more burned out than I ever have been before. My living situation right now is eating me up inside. I am very close to escaping my situation, like, less than 3 months to go, but it still makes me want to die. I keep questioning if I can even make it past those 3 months.

When I get those feelings, there is not much I can do about it. I just have to fight the current of thoughts. I usually try to distract myself, by knitting or getting a hug from one of my safe humans, something that just gets me through the next 5 minutes. The thoughts aren’t constant, either. They do go away after a bit, unless I’m having a really bad day.

I know that I am going to be suicidal the rest of my life. (I feel like that statement has some kind of irony.) But knowing that is half the battle. I know that I am strong enough that one day, a suicidal thought will float into my brain and I will be able to laugh in its face. I just have to keep pushing through and acknowledge that I am worth living.

For anyone interested in listening to the song that inspired the title of this post, here it is. I would say this is the theme song of my suicidal ideations.

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