Autism, ghosts, religion, sex

Spiritual encounter

I’ve written about my religion before. I consider myself a magical Jewish atheist. I’ve mixed together weed, ghosts, loving tenets. Ya know. Like all major religions.

My main ghost is my aunt. She attached herself to me as soon as she died. She is the most powerful ghost I have ever met and she has really changed my life.

I’ve always felt ghosts and spirits around me and have had a few ghosts around me. I think my favorite thing my unknown ghost did was leave a fat quarter under our table. Let me tell you, we were way too poor to have bought and forget it. We looked away for one second and it appeared.

Today, I just had one of the most massive panic attacks ever. My husband was at work and my boyfriend was not available. I was by myself. I tried weed, nothing. A fucking Ativan didn’t work, which usually feels like a horse tranquilizer to me, which is why I rarely use it. I’m going to have major bruises tomorrow from hitting myself over and over.

I didn’t know what else to do. I started praying to my aunt. I told her how strong she was and still is and I asked her to make the feelings go away. And she did. She put deep pressure on my brain, the way my husbands does on my arms, and I felt peace wash over me.

She took me by the hand and I could hear her voice the whole time. She made a plan of attack for when I woke up and then she put me to sleep. I’ve had a ghost put me to sleep once before and it is just the most magical feeling. It feels like a giant hand is shutting you down, very gently. She even opened my bedroom door for me when I was thinking about how stuffy it is.

I am so lucky to have such a connection to the unseen world around us. I feel loved and protected because of days like today. So fuck off if you thing I’m delusional. (Shout out to my mom! I hope you never, ever find this blog.)

Autism, religion, weed

Jewish Atheism

Religion has always been something that has been a big part of my life. I was brought up Jewish and fully embraced it. I went to Hebrew school and temple a couple times a week and Jewish summer camp all my life. When I was in eighth grade, I joined our local Jewish youth group. I had never been more connected to G-d or my religion. That summer, my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

It threw me for a complete loop. Here I was, connected to G-d and a tragedy still happened. It really changed the way I saw the world. I don’t believe in G-d anymore. My mom has been cancer free for 11 years, knock on wood. But, she shouldn’t have had to go through it in the first place.

Now, I refer to myself as a Jewish atheist. I believe in the tenets of Judaism, just not the G-d part. I’ve kinda cobbled together my own religion. Judaism really taught me to love and treat everyone with respect, so that’s what I bring into my spirituality. I also believe in ghosts and know for a fact that my aunt has attached herself to me. I find that I talk to her when most people would talk to G-d.

I also truly believe that everyone has the right to pray to, or not pray to, anyway they want. As long as you don’t try to convert me, I respect you.