Autism, ghosts, religion, sex

Spiritual encounter

I’ve written about my religion before. I consider myself a magical Jewish atheist. I’ve mixed together weed, ghosts, loving tenets. Ya know. Like all major religions.

My main ghost is my aunt. She attached herself to me as soon as she died. She is the most powerful ghost I have ever met and she has really changed my life.

I’ve always felt ghosts and spirits around me and have had a few ghosts around me. I think my favorite thing my unknown ghost did was leave a fat quarter under our table. Let me tell you, we were way too poor to have bought and forget it. We looked away for one second and it appeared.

Today, I just had one of the most massive panic attacks ever. My husband was at work and my boyfriend was not available. I was by myself. I tried weed, nothing. A fucking Ativan didn’t work, which usually feels like a horse tranquilizer to me, which is why I rarely use it. I’m going to have major bruises tomorrow from hitting myself over and over.

I didn’t know what else to do. I started praying to my aunt. I told her how strong she was and still is and I asked her to make the feelings go away. And she did. She put deep pressure on my brain, the way my husbands does on my arms, and I felt peace wash over me.

She took me by the hand and I could hear her voice the whole time. She made a plan of attack for when I woke up and then she put me to sleep. I’ve had a ghost put me to sleep once before and it is just the most magical feeling. It feels like a giant hand is shutting you down, very gently. She even opened my bedroom door for me when I was thinking about how stuffy it is.

I am so lucky to have such a connection to the unseen world around us. I feel loved and protected because of days like today. So fuck off if you thing I’m delusional. (Shout out to my mom! I hope you never, ever find this blog.)

Autism, polyamory, sex, weed

All You Need is Love

I’ve noticed that I have a problem defining how people mean to me. I either really dislike someone or love them. There really is no in between for me. The love part is something that I’ve been aware of for a long time.

Since high school, every friend I’ve had has included a sexual part in our relationship. My husband has always acknowledged this in me. We’ve always had somewhat of an open relationship and I appreciate it greatly. I like kissing my friends hello. I love cuddling with them. And I think we as a people should all share in some platonic nudity.

Some people might ask how my love with my husband is special or any different from everyone else in my life. The answer is very simple. I can live without anyone else in my life. It hurts, sure, but I can do it. I can’t live without my husband.

This, I believe, makes our marriage stronger than most peoples. My husband didn’t just marry me. They also took on some huge responsibilities for caring for me. I don’t know of anyone else in the world, including my boyfriend, who would be willing to go to communication therapy, handle meltdowns, or allow me such “control” in our lives. They are finally allowing me to live my life the way I need to, something I never got from my actual family. I love my husband so much. They are my favorite slice of pizza. And I’m their favorite piece of pie.

Autism, sex, weed

I’m quite the charmer

I have to say, my flirting is improving. Yesterday, a car full of guys asked for my nunber at a stoplight. Instead of ignoring them or stimming, I gave it to them. I didn’t answer when they called, but for sure a step foward. I did send them a picture of my tits and then blocked their number. I’m cool without dick pics and whatnot.

I know I’m never going to go to a bar and pick someone up. The auditory processing issues alone would make this impossible. I’d be much more liable to have a meltdown than a one night stand. All I want are people who realize that me telling them the mating habits of banana slugs is really me saying I’m interested.

Autism, polyamory, sex, weed

I did it!

I did it! I fucking did it. I have seduced someone. I honestly didn’t think it would happen, but it did.

I have alway had a special connection with this person. We were never in the right place at the right time to date and that has always kind of sucked. I also cheated on my husband with him a few years ago, so we just recently were allowed to speak to each other again. My husband knows how much I love him and how much I want him in my life, but my husband also knows that they come first.

Anyhoo, about a week ago, I went over to his house to hang out. We smoked, listened to music, and played video games. About 20 minutes before I had to leave, we started cuddling. And then, dun dun dun, he kissed me! And hopefully, he’ll be coming over for more cuddling and kisses this week.

I didn’t think I would get to experience new love again, but I’m so glad I do. I’m allowed to express my love in the way that feels best to me and I’m so grateful my husband understands.

Autism, sex, video games, weed

I wanna fuck my husband’s best friend

I have been actively trying to fuck my husband’s best friend since October. He is not having any of it, quite literally. He is being extremely loyal to my husband, even though my husband wants me to fuck the shit out of him.

He really is my type. He is a total nerd and for sure on the spectrum. We just spent 3 hours playing Everquest II and it was super fun. He’s even mentioned, under the influence that he would have sex with me. I thought I really had a chance when he and I tripped together on Thanksgiving, but no dice. He even asked me if I wanted a pillow when I tried cuddling with him.

I don’t think anything is going to happen unless my husband tells him to fuck me. I’ve tried all my flirting techniques which, granted, consists of me being super awkward and a mountain of cleavage, but how could you not be into that? He’s either completely clueless or the best friend someone could have.