Autism, neurodiversity, weed


Hyposensitvity, regarding autism, are the sensory experiences we crave or seek out. They are the pleasant things that, honestly, make autism a little worth it.

I love the rain. Whenever it rains, I run outside to dance and splash in puddles. I also love the wind. A gentle breeze feels orgasmic to me.

I seek out smells, tastes, and foox textures a lot. The perfect bite of something is one of my favorite things in the world.

I also love deep pressure and weighted things on top of me, especially when I’m upset. It has a way of healing my souls.

Autism sucks a lot of the time. But, when I have a pleasant sensory experience, I pity neurotypicals. Autistic people feel things so deeply. We can connect to things in a way most humans can’t.

Autism, tattoos, weed

Nerdy, dirty, tattooed, and curvy

I love getting tattoos. This is probably not something you hear an autistic person say every day. So far, I have 7 tattoos with many more on the way.

Now, I bet you’re thinking, what about sensory issues? Tattoos entail some of my worst sensory issues. I hate vibrations and have an extremely low pain tolerance. But I can push on. When it is something I really love, like tattoos or concerts, it makes getting through it so much easier.

Sometimes I get this feeling. I call it the tattoo feeling, but it have led to other things as well. It’s the feeling that I should do something wild and spontaneous. 2 of my tattoos came from this feeling and if I had more money, you’d bet your ass I’d have more impromptu tattoos.

Autism, ghosts, religion, sex

Spiritual encounter

I’ve written about my religion before. I consider myself a magical Jewish atheist. I’ve mixed together weed, ghosts, loving tenets. Ya know. Like all major religions.

My main ghost is my aunt. She attached herself to me as soon as she died. She is the most powerful ghost I have ever met and she has really changed my life.

I’ve always felt ghosts and spirits around me and have had a few ghosts around me. I think my favorite thing my unknown ghost did was leave a fat quarter under our table. Let me tell you, we were way too poor to have bought and forget it. We looked away for one second and it appeared.

Today, I just had one of the most massive panic attacks ever. My husband was at work and my boyfriend was not available. I was by myself. I tried weed, nothing. A fucking Ativan didn’t work, which usually feels like a horse tranquilizer to me, which is why I rarely use it. I’m going to have major bruises tomorrow from hitting myself over and over.

I didn’t know what else to do. I started praying to my aunt. I told her how strong she was and still is and I asked her to make the feelings go away. And she did. She put deep pressure on my brain, the way my husbands does on my arms, and I felt peace wash over me.

She took me by the hand and I could hear her voice the whole time. She made a plan of attack for when I woke up and then she put me to sleep. I’ve had a ghost put me to sleep once before and it is just the most magical feeling. It feels like a giant hand is shutting you down, very gently. She even opened my bedroom door for me when I was thinking about how stuffy it is.

I am so lucky to have such a connection to the unseen world around us. I feel loved and protected because of days like today. So fuck off if you thing I’m delusional. (Shout out to my mom! I hope you never, ever find this blog.)

Autism, polyamory, sex, weed

All You Need is Love

I’ve noticed that I have a problem defining how people mean to me. I either really dislike someone or love them. There really is no in between for me. The love part is something that I’ve been aware of for a long time.

Since high school, every friend I’ve had has included a sexual part in our relationship. My husband has always acknowledged this in me. We’ve always had somewhat of an open relationship and I appreciate it greatly. I like kissing my friends hello. I love cuddling with them. And I think we as a people should all share in some platonic nudity.

Some people might ask how my love with my husband is special or any different from everyone else in my life. The answer is very simple. I can live without anyone else in my life. It hurts, sure, but I can do it. I can’t live without my husband.

This, I believe, makes our marriage stronger than most peoples. My husband didn’t just marry me. They also took on some huge responsibilities for caring for me. I don’t know of anyone else in the world, including my boyfriend, who would be willing to go to communication therapy, handle meltdowns, or allow me such “control” in our lives. They are finally allowing me to live my life the way I need to, something I never got from my actual family. I love my husband so much. They are my favorite slice of pizza. And I’m their favorite piece of pie.

Autism, neurodiversity, weed

Write on, man

I have always loved to write, but lately, it has been my saving grace. I have such a hard time processing sometimes that I can’t make my mouth say what my brain is thinking or else it takes a while. With writing, that processing issue goes away. It also has been such a huge platform for my advocacy work.

I write this blog, articles for disability websites, and a blog for my work. I’ve gotten such a chance to write recently and I think it’s helped my anxiety and depression. I also constantly write down cake recipes. And, I came up with a killer story premise while I was higher than a giraffe’s pussy, so I’ll be dipping my toes into the fiction world soon.

There are a couple obstacles I face around writing. I don’t own a desktop computer and writing for me is really difficult by hand or on my phone. I can crank out these blog posts by phone, but anything longer is too difficult. My husband said we could remedy that soon, though. Another is the way I write. I tend to write paragraphs of everything I want to say and than find a way to string them together. This is another obstacle where a desktop could help me.

Writing is what is going to allow me to advocate on a large scale and not just my community. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was put on the earth at the same time as the neurodiversity movement. I have a chance to make a change for people with disabilities and I’m running with it.

Autism, trees, weed

Communing with nature

I’ve always been somewhat of a hippie. I believe in drugs, free love, all of that. But lately, I have had such a connection with trees. Every day, I go on a walk in the evening. I get super, super baked and wander around listening to music for about an hour.

I have made friends with all the trees in my neighborhood, especially with a special grove of beech trees. I always stop to say hi and show my respect. I haven’t even named them, which is very odd to me. I think something has been stopping me. I figure the trees much have a language of their own and names. It would be so presumptuous of me to try and change that.

The biggest connection between me and the trees is marijuana. When I smoke that special plant, I get to share in with all of the other plants. I know everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I have felt such inner peace and happiness since I have had the trees as part of my life.

Autism, weed

I can predict the future

About every 3 months or so, I have what I refer to as a POTS day. I’ve written more in detail about this syndrome in my earlier posts. Everyone with this condition has bad days. Some feel this way every day, where some, like me, are lucky to only experience it every so often.

I am writing this the day before the episode will begin. How do I know I’ll have a POTS day tomorrow? There are some general signs. Migraines are the first clue. Next, I start to feel dizzy and unsettled. When that hits, I know tomorrow is going to be rough. A POTS day usually means I feel dizzy, tired, and generally sick. My heart rate is also very high.

Depending on how bad the day is, I might have to take off work. There are times when I only feel horrible standing. Therefore, I can safely get to work and do limited tasks. There are other times, however, that I feel dizzy and sick, even when lying down. Those are the worst days.

My POTS has been getting better over time. In fact, my last episode was over 5 months ago, which is a new record for me. In the meantime, I’m going to nap and eat doctor prescribed McDonalds. There are some benefits to a fucked up neurological system.

Autism, polyamory, weed


The biggest thing I’ve learned about living the polyamory lifestyle is how much it’s shit upon. For example, I was reading about Sims mods and they lumped polyamory mods with teen pregnancy and incest. Pretty fucked up.

I’ve also been reading many studies on it and most people think it’s a huge taboo. People are ok with the idea of open relationships, hooking up and fuckbuddies and whatnot, but as soon as you add deep, meaningful relationships, people get weirded out.

Those people are idiots. This is an amazing way for us to build a family and share our love. This isn’t just about sex. This is about finding people who we trust and love to spend our lives with.

I know I’m relatively new to this community, but I’m stoked. We found a polyamory meetup/support group and I can’t wait for the first event. I’m so excited to meet people like us. People who won’t judge us.

Autism, sex, weed

I’m quite the charmer

I have to say, my flirting is improving. Yesterday, a car full of guys asked for my nunber at a stoplight. Instead of ignoring them or stimming, I gave it to them. I didn’t answer when they called, but for sure a step foward. I did send them a picture of my tits and then blocked their number. I’m cool without dick pics and whatnot.

I know I’m never going to go to a bar and pick someone up. The auditory processing issues alone would make this impossible. I’d be much more liable to have a meltdown than a one night stand. All I want are people who realize that me telling them the mating habits of banana slugs is really me saying I’m interested.

Autism, weed

Not everyone should be allowed to procreate

I am so grateful to be starting a new family. Right now, I’m working on having less and less communication with my birth family. Honestly, the only reason I’m still around is the fact that my car is in their name and I’m not in a financial position to change that. They said once the car is paid off, they’re putting it in my name. So basically, I have a year left to deal with them. I know all of this sounds cold hearted, but hear me out.

I’ve talked before about their abuse during my childhood, so I’m going to focus on the present. They still treat me like complete shit. Their idea of being supportive is sharing something on Facebook instead of attending the actual event. They care more about how they look to other people than how they look to me. Sadly, that’s always been the case.

My mom has also created crippling body dysmorphia in me. She is terrifed of becoming overweight and fat shames people. She’s only 130 lbs, by the way. I’m a curvy gal, always have been. Therefore, to my mother, I can’t wear tank tops, shorts, crop tops etc, but my 120 lb sister can leave the house in basically her underwear and my mom tells her she looks fantastic. I am finally getting over my body image issues. There are still times I look in the mirror and see someone 3 times my size, but for the most part, I love the way I look. My husband has been the main reason for this and I can’t thank them enough.

My dad is a wee bit better, but not by much. He makes horrible comments about my husband’s masculinity and he doesn’t even know about the gender fluid thing. He’s just a dick. He also has told me that he would rather my partner cheat on me than be bad with money. Pretty fucked up thing to tell a 16 year old. They both treat me like a financial transaction and belive that if they throw money and things at me, that counts as love. I have some shit about my sister, but that’s a whole nother blog post.

So, yeah. My parents suck and I don’t want to deal with them anymore. They make me feel like I don’t count as a real person and I don’t deserve that.